The Inner Critic and the Beloved Part 4
June 12, 2026
The Inner Critic and the Beloved Part 4
The inner critic is the opposite of the beloved. And we can be aware of both of these in ourselves. One of them is our real identity, while the other is a self-regulating mechanism that can harm us.
To the inner critic’s credit, it is frequently a function of our healthy conscience. When it is gentle, it softly reminds us of our standards, boundaries, and when we fall short of them. Then we can self-correct. But the inner critic can go beyond healthy criticism and demeaning us. It can approach us as if we were wrong, bad, and inferior. It monitors, slaps our wrists, and instills shame and self-doubt. But it can also inflict something even more toxic than shame— unhealthy guilt.
From age eighteen months to age three, we are in Erik Erikson’s stage of “Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt.” In this stage, we become autonomous little beings who seek to control our own actions, many of which can displease our caretakers. In turn, our caretakers can shame us (intentionally or unintentionally) to curtail our inappropriate behavior. If there is a huge degree of shaming, the child develops a complex that generates shame for the rest of their life. A favorite maneuver of the inner critic is to shame us. It can literally say to us, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
But shame can quickly be followed by another feeling used by the inner critic —guilt. The next stage of development, according to psychologist Erik Erikson, is “Initiative versus Guilt.” It occurs during the preschool years (ages 3–5). Children learn to plan activities, invent games, and initiate social interactions, developing a sense of purpose and goal-directed behavior. Excessive restriction or punishment for these efforts leads to guilt and insecurity. Guilt is more toxic than shame because it implies not only that we are “bad” but that we should be punished. The instillation of healthy as well as unhealthy guilt by the child’s caretakers has lifelong consequences.
So, a harsh inner critic will inevitably use unhealthy guilt. It says something like this: “You did an awful thing. You will have to pay for what you did.” or “You have lost favor with God who will surely punish you for what you did.” Another guilt producer is, “How can you live with yourself knowing what kind of person you really are? Just think of all the suffering you have caused so-and-so. You could never redeem yourself.”
Sometimes the inner critic tells us what we must do to relieve our guilt. It may have its own ideas of what we must do to atone for our transgressions. It may not want us to atone, only suffer. Sometimes we punish ourselves to get the inner critic off our backs.
On the other hand, when we embody that we are the beloved, the inner critic cannot inflict its toxic debasement. In our belovedness, we continuously feel the connection to God and the fact that God cherishes us. As the beloved we modulate guilt so that it is not self-destructive. The beloved lives in gratitude instead of fear. The beloved is attuned to the voice of love and knows that we are made of love. The beloved knows that they will transgress, which is part of being human. It does not bear down upon itself with harsh words or ruminations. It doesn't bring on punishment because it knows that redemption is always available. It affirms itself and others. The beloved encourages others and gives from their heart.
Spiritual practice: Tell someone else why you think they are beloved. Can you say some of the same things to yourself about yourself?
Self-inquiry: Why would your inner critic be harsh with you?
Prayer:
Dear God, Oh, how many times have I struggled with my inner critic? It brings agony. But I am so thankful that you have given us a way to embody the truth about ourselves— that we are your beloved, and regardless of our failings, we are loved. Amen
