Adaptation Part 4
June 2, 2025
Adaptation Part 4
Joyce Landorf's book Irregular People (1982 and 2018) describe those who seem to purposely antagonize, abuse, misuse, and anger us. Landorf described, in layman’s terms, what psychologists refer to as personality disorders. These are hard-wired maladaptive patterns of thinking and behavior originating in one’s biology and early life experiences.
Joyce Landorf wrote candidly of the irregular persons she'd encountered and/or lived with, and she was quick to say that we cannot change them. But she offered sage advice for dealing with our irregular person.
I have combined some of Landorf’s advice with other mentally healthy responses to those who have dear souls with personality disorders:
1. Realize these people do not see the same reality as we do.
2. Do not walk on eggshells around them because that empowers their irrational behavior.
3. Set solid limits regarding the behaviors you will not accept, even if you must remove yourself from the space.
4. Share your feelings with someone you trust and who reinforces your healthy attitudes and behaviors toward the irregular person.
5. State to the person that you have been hurt by "such and such" they did or said, and that if it happens again, you will not be able to be with them as usual, then follow through with that.
6. Call their hand on their threats.
7. Don't accept their good moods without reminding them that just a while ago, they were in a bad mood, and they ruined the good moods of others.
8. Speak your truth and do not argue with them. Figure out what reasons keep you allowing their behavior.
The approach is one of self-care and self-compassion. This means that we must adapt to circumstances in such a way that preserves our mental and physical health. Even if our irregular person is a close relative, we must remind ourselves that just because they are a brother or sister, child, parent, or spouse, the title of their relationship doesn't give them the right to misuse, denigrate, or otherwise abuse us.
Many of us concede to our irregular person because we have confused Christian love with not rocking the boat. But in actuality, the most loving thing we can do for them is to set boundaries. And setting boundaries is also a way we may love ourselves. Adaptation means changing our behavior so that life is a win-win for everyone, even if the irregular person does not know they benefit from the tough love they require.
Spiritual practice: Place your loved one in a spiritual container of peace. Picture them being held by the Divine and soothed by the highest form of love that we cannot provide.
Self-inquiry: Do I need my irregular person to respond to me in a particular way? If so, why do I hold onto that expectation?
Dear God,
Bless everyone who tries to deal with their irregular person. And I pray they will be given the strength and courage to love in ways that acknowledge and respect the irregular person's soul and their own soul as well. Amen.
