Control Part 4
October 2, 2025
Control Part 4
My 103-year-old mother-in-law is a survivor. She lives in the same home where she has lived for 75 years. She manages her checkbook, cares for herself, and only receives help from a caretaker for four hours daily. Yet, growing older has been a strain, because she can no longer do all she once did. Only a few years ago, she was always helping others, always reaching out with energy and love to be of service.
These days, she cannot help as she once did. Still, she welcomes visitors and makes phone calls to encourage others. But Mary Nelle has lost a great deal of control. Her dependence on a walker and caretakers narrows her range of activity. She can no longer take care of all her needs, or the needs of others as she once did. This loss is especially difficult for her because she has always lived independently, maintained control of her life, and been available to others as a wife, mother, neighbor, friend, teacher, and church member for decades.
Now, she holds tightly to the little things. What once seemed minor details have become significant matters, because her life has grown smaller. Having lost control over so many larger aspects of her life, she sometimes over-controls the few things that remain in her hands. This gives her a feeling of control and security. Watching her makes me realize how often I do the same thing. When life feels out of control or when anxiety takes hold, I focus intently on the small things I can control. It gives me a sense of power when I otherwise feel powerless.
Mary Nelle teaches me many things, but one of the greatest is how to surrender gracefully. Again and again, I have watched her adapt as she moves from one stage of life to the next. Even though she readily admits that her losses are painful, she finds a way to say “Yes” to what life required of her. This spirit has made her a survivor. And when you gaze into her eyes, you see a lady whose life is still full, engaging, and joyful.
Gail Sheehy, author of Passages, writes:
“It would be surprising if we didn’t experience some pain as we leave the familiarity of one adult stage for the uncertainty of the next. But the willingness to move through each passage is equivalent to the willingness to live abundantly. If we don’t change, we don’t grow. And if we don’t grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.”
Another way of saying this is that growth demands a temporary surrender of control, and sometimes, the surrender is not temporary.
Spiritual practice: What are you called to surrender at this stage of your life? What spiritual approach will help you do this?
Self-inquiry: How do Sheehy’s words: “If we don’t grow, we are not really living”—speak to your life right now?
Prayer: Dear God,
As I move from one passage of life to another, I ask for your steadfast support and guidance. Though I resist giving up what has become part of me, I know I must. Please give me the courage and strength to surrender with grace. Amen.
