Loving Ourselves and Others Part 4

September 18, 2026

Loving ourselves includes the art of self-forgiveness. If we keep holding every mistake and wrongdoing against ourselves, how can we live with self-acceptance and healthy self-love? If we hold so much against ourselves, how can we be free to genuinely love others? We cannot. Unforgiven actions gnaw at the conscience and burden us with guilt and shame.

We may become adept at pushing these mistakes into the back of our minds, dismissing them, or denying their importance. But painful memories continue to carry emotional energy whether we are consciously aware of them or not. They do not simply lie down and play dead. They may rise again in dreams, unexpected recollections, or moments when something in the present triggers the past.

When this happens, we may cringe with shame or say to ourselves, “It is silly to be so troubled by something that happened so long ago.” We may reason that we were younger then, didn't fully understand what we were doing, or that everyone makes mistakes. These things may be true, but they do not necessarily heal the memory. Some experiences remain as dark and uncomfortable places within us—whether they occurred recently or many years ago.

An important distinction exists between guilt and shame. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “There is something wrong with me.” Healthy guilt can awaken the conscience and lead us toward responsibility, reconciliation, and change. Shame, however, can imprison us in the belief that we are unworthy of love.

Self-forgiveness does not mean pretending that no harm was done. It does not excuse our behavior, erase its consequences, or release us from making amends when amends are possible. Genuine self-forgiveness lets us face what we have done truthfully, take responsibility, learn from it, and then receive the benefit of divine forgiveness that frees us from spending the rest of our lives punishing ourselves or pushing down the memories. 

These memories do not necessarily return to condemn us or send us on another guilt trip. Often, their return is the psyche’s way of asking for healing. Something within us knows that what remains hidden and unhealed can interfere with our alignment with our higher self. When we are divided against ourselves, we are less free to love ourselves and others. So, our souls naturally seek wholeness and therefore get our attention so we can be healed of whatever impairs our capacity to love.

The healing of these burdens may be more accessible than we think. We often delay it because we assume that healing requires us to relive the experience in all its pain. For some, that prospect feels too unpleasant or overwhelming. But there is a way to revisit an error spiritually—without entering a courtroom of judgment and punishment.

Before you begin this spiritual practice, it is best to talk it over with a trusted minister, imam, rabbi, therapist, or spiritual director who may advise whether it is for you. They may advise that they the process and hold space for you during the practice. 

Begin by creating a quiet, private space where you will not be disturbed. Sit gently and comfortably. Close your eyes, breathe slowly, and offer a simple prayer for divine presence and healing.

Picture the Divine Light surrounding you and dwelling within you. Do not force yourself to remember anything. Instead, allow one known mistake, regret, or burden to come into your awareness. Do not search for hidden memories or attempt to reconstruct anything uncertain. Receive what is already asking to be seen. You don't need to address every regret in one sitting. The soul has its own wisdom and its own pace.

As the memory arises, look at it honestly. Name what you did, as clearly as you can, without exaggerating it and without minimizing it. Notice to see whom it affected. Acknowledge any harm that was done. If amends are needed and can be made without causing further harm to anyone, ask for the wisdom and courage to make them. Give the entire situation to God to do with it as God wills. 

Then bring the entire memory into the Divine Light. It is no longer hidden in darkness, carried by you alone. The Holy Spirit sees what you are seeing. If you are Christian, you may picture Christ beside you, looking upon both you and the memory. Whatever our deity may be, the Divine gaze is not one of humiliation or rejection. It is a gaze of truth, grace, mercy, and transforming love.

The Divine sees the wrong but also sees the whole person who committed it—the person’s wounds, fears, immaturity, limitations, and deepest longing to become whole. Nothing is concealed, yet nothing is beyond the reach of mercy.

Receive the forgiveness being offered to you. Then listen for the quiet invitation: “Now, will you forgive yourself?”

Take several deep breaths. With each exhalation, release some of the tension, guilt, and shame you have been carrying. You might say:

“I acknowledge what I did. I accept responsibility for it. I am willing to make amends where I can. I receive Divine forgiveness, and I choose to forgive myself. May this experience become wisdom. May its healing deepen my capacity to love.”

Self-forgiveness may come gradually. Some burdens require us to return to this sacred practice more than once. If a memory becomes overwhelming, produces severe distress, or involves deep trauma, it may be wise to undertake this healing with a trusted therapist, spiritual director, or other compassionate guide. Asking for help is itself an act of self-love.

We cannot change the past, but through grace we can change our relationship to it. What was once a source of shame can become a source of humility, wisdom, compassion, and even service to others.

The healed memory remains part of our story, but it no longer has to be our prison.

Inquiry

Why are you called or not called to consider this process for yourself?

Prayer

Dear God,

For genuine, healthy self love, we are truly thankful.

Amen