Loving Ourselves and Others Part 2

September 16, 2026

The concept of “loving ourselves” can mean many things. At its healthiest, self-love means recognizing that we are worthy of care, dignity, forgiveness, and compassion. It lets us honor our own needs while staying deeply aware of others' needs.

But there is also an unhealthy form of self-love—narcissistic self-absorption. In its more extreme expressions, the self-absorbed ego becomes so pervasive that empathy scarcely registers on the person’s radar.

The world is perceived primarily in terms of how it relates to them—their wishes, desires, fears, and sense of importance. In conversation, they turn almost every subject back toward their own lives, experiences, and opinions. The expression of narcissism varies according to temperament, level of consciousness, personality type, soul type, the person’s history and physical condition, and current life circumstances. Yet beneath these differences is the same distorted conviction: I must be the center of the universe to matter.

Where have you encountered these patterns—in others, in yourself, or in relationships that have affected you?

In my clinical practice and personal life, I have come to know many dear souls who struggled with clinical narcissistic patterns. It was often difficult for them to recognize and respond to others' pain and needs because their attention was so consumed by their own interests. They had trouble listening—truly listening—because while another person was speaking, they are already composing their response.

Their energy goes into securing what they want, sometimes at the expense of what others need. One person once told me that during group conversations, they could scarcely follow what was being said because they were preoccupied with imagining what each person in the room was thinking about them. Indeed, some were regularly haunted by the question of whether others in the room thought highly of them, thought they were attractive, admirable, or even highly respected.  They might interpret a friend’s challenge to their opinions as being disloyal to them.

Although it is natural to become frustrated with such self-absorption, we must remember that beneath it there is often great suffering. Narcissism can be the ego’s attempt to compensate for deeply embedded feelings of inferiority, humiliation, or rejection. Something may have happened early in life that injured the child’s developing sense of worth. The child came to believe, consciously or unconsciously, that simply being themselves was not enough.

Rather than collapsing entirely into inferiority, some compensate by moving in the opposite direction—toward arrogance, entitlement, superiority, grandiosity or bullying. They had to elevate themselves so that they would never again suffer from such humiliation.

The personality then constructs a protective identity that may say:

Look at me….

I am right, and therefore I am better than you.

I am the source of everyone’s good.

I am the most accomplished, attractive, or important person here.

I am uniquely gifted and deserve special recognition.

I know more than others and should be regarded accordingly.

I am entitled to admiration, privilege, happiness, and whatever I desire.

I am the most powerful person here, so my words must be heeded.

I have achieved peace, so sit at my feet. 

The particular claim may vary, but beneath each one is the same basic falsehood: I must be extraordinary to be worthy of love. If you notice me, revere me, and say the script I write for you, you affirm me.

When a personality continually reinforces this belief about themselves, it can harden like concrete. The person becomes caught in a cycle of self-aggrandizement that gradually imprisons them. Others may pull away because they find the arrogance, self-enchantment, entitlement, bullying, or constant need for admiration exhausting. Tragically, some narcissistically wounded people eventually find themselves isolated in a castle of their own making, surrounded only by those who flatter them, fear them, depend upon them, or benefit in some way from remaining close to them.

The thing to remember when we are in relationship with these dear souls is that, at their core, they may feel cut down at the knees—rejected, belittled, and unworthy. Their inflated self-image is not evidence of genuine self-love, but a fragile defense against the very feelings they cannot bear.

This early injury is sometimes called a primary narcissistic wound. Throughout life, it may reopen whenever a loss, an honest confrontation, a failed relationship, or a circumstance beyond the person’s control punctures the inflated sense of self. Such experiences reveal a truth the defended ego finds unbearable: they are not above the human family but are members of it—ordinary, vulnerable, dependent, imperfect, and in need of grace, just like everyone else.

For those whose narcissistic defenses are deeply entrenched, accepting this truth can be extraordinarily difficult. But change is possible with enough honesty, humility, support, and willingness to face the original wound that crippled them at the outset.

Some people with this personality pattern awaken one day to discover that they are profoundly lonely—that even those who once loved them have withdrawn. This realization can become a moment of grace. Their loneliness may call them to consciousness. What initially feels like abandonment may become an invitation to let go of the false self that has kept genuine love away.

Spiritual Practice

Practice extending mercy and compassion toward someone whose self-absorbed behavior may conceal a wounded sense of worth.

Inquiry

What narcissistic defenses or patterns do you recognize within yourself?

Prayer

Dear God,

Grant us the compassion to look beyond behavior, however damning, and recognize the wounded soul beneath it. And that we may pray for healing and wholeness that we and others have yet to experience.

Amen